The Girl Who Came Undone

She didn’t see it happening. It just hit like a tidal wave sweeping her mind, body, and soul  into the ocean of doubt. Renown for being the one most firmly planted in capability, the one you could rely on, she finally burst. One morning around 4a just after a short sleep; she slipped away into madness.

She doesn’t know her name anymore. After a cathartic sobbing, watching her emotions wash away in the tide; she switched off. She is numb. A long swim in the cold ocean can do that to you. You just stop struggling, cease trying to keep up and allow mother earth to swallow you whole. Then the silence. Sound stops. You are one with yourself, finally at peace.

The plan was for this to be the month of completion: a new short film, 2 album projects, another cycle around the sun – this one landing squarely on 55-years-of-life.  Born on 11/22, she always self-revered in the double digit years running around in her mind like Rocky Balboa reaching the top of the steps, arms stretched high in triumph. A more powerful water tiger energy would ensue and fill her days of November with a sense of accomplishment in those years.

The exception: 2017. The problem arose and struck like a nail not being driven through cement when she discovered that nothing was getting done completely. Each day would drip into the next as the work piled on. She felt like the inbox never got less, but rather increased exponentially, arrhythmically beating her into submission to work longer hours, more days. They all became one with only a tiny percentage of relief in 5-6 hours of sleep and a brisk walk now and again. She stood before her students putting on a show; another round of the tears of a clown and there she was doing her best to inspire, enlighten, and finally if all else failed cajole the lackluster ones with extra points here and there just to get them across the finish line to a passing grade. She took great liberty every semester to come up with something new and engaging for each class. But the complication grew from a small growth found on an arm to a huge internal capture of every fiber of her being. She lashed out at friends, colleagues, family. She writhed in mental anguish after her diatribes, steeped in a dark tea of sorrow and regret. Then, the snap.

Poof. Gone.


About danaj33

writer * department chair of Broadcast Electronic Media Arts and audio faculty at City College of San Francisco * music composer and producer * always in discovery mode, learning, living, loving, and laughing.
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